Ginger Vee My Chronic Life

When it comes to Chronic Life, everything takes careful planning, pondering and prepping anytime you want to leave the house for more than a couple hours. I bought my husband concert tickets to see our favorite indie hip hop artist, Sage Francis, in a city 2 hours away…on a Tuesday, and last night was the show. And, it was phenomenal, as always. It was our 8th time seeing Sage and every time is a fabulously great experience.

Attending any big event is a massive task for me, but concerts are especially triggering because there’s so much chaos, noise, lights and smells…and it all affects me. Not only am I prone to major head pain attacks, but I’m severely mentally ill, and, though I’m medicated, crowded, loud, and germ filled places still tend to put me on edge and cause me immense anxiety. I don’t let these things stop me, though. I try to manage my fears and mitigate pain triggers as best as I can because I simply cannot let my chronic issues stop me from living my best life. That’s not to say I don’t suffer when I do occasionally go out and have fun.

I save up my “spoons,” before any event or major task, and I strategically and sparingly use them being careful to not over do it, but by the end of the night, I am inevitably in a deficit and there’s nothing I can do about it except to rest and start saving them all over again. I always prepare before exerting myself too much; I drink my water, sip my coffee, work out, stretch, do my positive affirmations, smoke ‘n toke just enough to lower my anxiety, and help me center myself, rest, eat well, take my meds, and ignore the household chores, all just so I have enough spoons to shower, do my hair & make up and find an outfit that fits my specific needs (comfy, warm but not too hot, supportive shoes, nothing too tight around the neck), which can be stressful in and of itself, and attend the event. I carefully pack my purse with my fast acting panic meds, pain meds, anti nausea pills, my weed, and I’m sure to bring water with me; everything is done with the intention that I’ll be prepared if I needed, but I always hope I don’t. Spontaneity is rare in my universe because I always have to prep myself and hype myself and rest enough to get through any special event or day.

No matter how well I prepare, how hard I try to prevent a pain episode or an anxiety attack, they still happen. And, no matter how easy I take it, I will still suffer the consequences of going out and being out of routine and faced with a barrage of triggers. When we have something fun planned, I have to think about it in terms of it being a two day commitment: the day of fun, and the day after, the rest day. Even when we are on vacation, if we plan an excursion, we plan for a relax & recover day the next day.

Last night we stood in the same spot, on a cold, concrete floor from 7pm – 12am, mere feet away from the massive speakers and the brightly lit stage, and danced to our favorite songs by our favorite artist, but today…well, today I can hardly move. I honestly feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I can’t stand up without sharp, shooting pains on my lower right back, and when I do struggle and wince to my feet, I can’t stand up straight. My arms won’t go above my head, and my occipital nerve is extra pissed, and letting me know it by hitting me with lightening strike zaps all day. I promise I’m not complaining, though. It all goes with the territory of living a Chronic Life. I know what to expect and I brace myself for impact every time. I gave my husband that Christmas gift knowing full well that today would undoubtedly suck, at least a little. I knew we’d get home at 2am, and I knew I’d be beyond exhausted. But, that’s ok. I was able to play my spoons fairly well and enjoy myself with minimal pain and anxiety last night and I was able to rest, stretch, get hubby to massage me, and deal with the aftermath of going to a concert today. In the end, I’m just grateful to have a new memory locked away, and I’m grateful that my love and I had a great time together doing something we both love to do.