Ginger Vee My Chronic Life

Hey, hey, its me, Ginger Vee your favorite Chronic Lifer, and I just have a little somethin’ to say. The fact is, we can do hard things. In fact, we should do things that challenge us. Sometimes we’ll rise to the occasion, and other days perhaps we just don’t have it in us, but we’ve gotta put the effort forth in order to grow, even if it’s difficult.

Well, today I was faced with a dreaded task, a daunting challenge, and I didn’t know if I could hack it. Since 2019 I have suffered with Agoraphobia tremendously. I have enormous amounts of anxity when I am alone, and when I am in public; it turns to panic if I happen to be alone, in public. So, the safest thing to do, in my opinion, is just stay home. Home is my safe space, my comfort blanket, my fortress of protection from scary things. I never leave the house except to drive my son to & from school each day. I haven’t been anywhere alone in years, and it’s weighing on me heavily.

While there are numerous reasons for my phobia, high anxiety and irrational fears are the top two. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disrder (OCD), and the idea of bringing germs into my home literally keeps me up at night. Then there’s the fact that my head pain can be unpredictable, the public can be full of triggering scents, sounds, chaos, confusion, and stressed situations, all things that spike my pain immediatly. I also don’t know my way around our new surroundings, and I’m terrified that I’ll get lost and have a panic attack while driving. I often get dizzy, blurred and “strobe light” vision in my right eye, and the thought of driving with one eye open doesn’t remotly appeal to me. So, for these reasons and more, I don’t drive nor do I go anywhere alone. I most certainly don’t drive somewhere to be alone…until I had homework assigned from my therapist.

I had to go to the nature park near my house, all alone, and be by myself for at least 5 – 15 minutes. And, this park. it’s within walking distance from where I live, so it wasn’t a far drive. I procrastinated for weeks, made excuses, flat out didn’t make the effort, and I berated myself everynight for not having the courage to do it (when I should have been giving myself grace).

My husband encouraged me, but didn’t push me. I was able to talk about all of my fears, irrational or not, and he listened and comforted me, gave me the logic and helped me set an intention to do it. I wrote it down in my journal, broke it up step by step: get in car, drive Dante to school, take a right out of the parking lot, go a few driveways down past the fence, and turn into the nature park parking lot on the right, park, breathe, stay for at least 5 minutes, drive home…and, I did it!

After I wrote it out as a goal for the next day, setting the intention, and once I had a plan, the task seemed much more manageable and a little less scary. I was a ginormous ball of anxiety that morning, but I was determened to follow through and do what I set out to do. It was tough, y’all. I felt aukward and out of place. Thankfully, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, but I felt uncomfortable after 5 minutes so I went home, feeling super proud of my accomplishment.

I did it! I put the effort forth and put energy towards healing, and I felt powerful and courageous. I did a hard thing, and next time I go, it won’t be as hard. I want to work my way up to sitting there for 15 minutes by Christmas. Think I can do it? I do. ‘Cus I can do hard things.