Ginger Vee My Chronic Life

Every night, I sit down and write my list of Thankfuls; even when I am struggling with pain or lack the mental fortitude, I make myself make the effort. Why? Because it’s easy to be consumed by the negatives in my chronic universe; the pain, depression, fears, anxieties, trauma, the paranoia, and generalized woes. Truthfully, it’s terrifyingly easy to let my Bipolar mind take over my emotions, and I have got to be careful. I have to do the work because one can get comfortable in the darkness when life is saturated in it. I’ve lived some ink black dark years in my time, and it’s nothing I want to experience again if I can help it. It seems almost a default code in my brain to focus on frustrations and challenges, disappointments and fabricated fears, so I have to literally train myself to not head aimlessly down those haunting, shadowed paths. I’m honestly not very good at it, and often lose my way, but I am slowly improving my mindset because everyday I am actively focusing on positive moments, successes, joys, blessings, and all the glimmers of goodness and love that surrounds me.

Today was tough. I’ve been pretty hard on myself, and I’m dealing with feelings of uselessness because pain has consumed me for the past couple of days. It’s not so bad I am writhing on the shower floor, but it’s significant enough to inhibit movement, and slow me down mentally and physically. I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything today, and am berating myself because I had to cancel my therapy appointment due to the throbbing, dizzying, nauseating pain in my skull. But, this is the darkness creeping in. These thoughts are not helpful nor conducive to living my best life. I know exactly what to do to shift my mindset before bed though, write at least 3 things I am thankful for today.

1. I am thankful I made myself work out on the exercise bike for 30 minutes this morning. It was tough, and I wanted to do more, but doing some activity is better than doing nothing at all. I am thankful I was able to manage to move my body and get my heart rate up without it triggering even more pain. I’m glad I know my limits.
2. I was able to tell my mom and Facebook world that Destini and Dom are gonna be parents!! I am SO thankful! This baby is such a blessing and I am grateful I get this opportunity to be a GiGi. My mom is so excited to be a Great Grandma. Destini’s announcement photos were stunning, as always when it comes to her photo shoots. They are going to have such a beautiful family.
3. I am thankful I went out into the sunshine and walked to go get Dante from school. It was a beautiful fall afternoon and it was good to get some fresh air. My medicine & a shower brought the pain down to a tolerable level and I was able to go do something I really enjoy doing. I am so grateful. I also made his private trombone lessons appointment and I am ever so thankful I remembered to do that.

See? Now I realize that I actually did accomplish some things today, and that the day wasn’t entirely shrouded in heavy darkness. I have much to celebrate and much to be proud of, and had I not taken the time to write out the good things, they may have fallen through the cracks and gone unnoticed. I had to adjust my frame of thought, and by doing one quick journal entry, I am now ending my somewhat challenging day on a positive note. And, for that, I’m grateful.