Ginger Vee My Chronic Life

Two years ago, I severed half of my body. Half of my spirit. Half of myself. I extracted poisonous DNA that made up who I was, and I lost my identity completely.

I broke away from my narcissistic, abusive identical twin sister. I was 38 years old. I was traumatized. Who was I if I wasn’t the “skinny one“? Or the “nice one“? Who was I if I was no longer just “one of the twins“? And, if I am no longer “the quiet one,” does that mean I have a voice worthy of speaking?

When the final abusive straw came, it was literally as if half of me died. Without that half, however, I was given the freedom to make my own choices (which is terrifying!). Hell, I STILL struggle to make the most simplistic of choices because of my Personal Dependency Disorder brought on by the abuse. When I broke free, I was gifted a blank slate in which to build my true, authentic identity – for the first time EVER! Even though I didn’t know what that version of me looked like, the healthy, loved, Me’ist Me I could be, I began my trek of self discovery on a most treacherous, emotionally torturous, beautiful and magnificent path.

So. How does one rebuild themselves from nothing? If you’ve been beat down emotionally or physically? Perhaps deemed unimportant, and unworthy of love & respect, or abused, controlled and manipulated. What about those of us who “lost” ourselves long ago? Who are we if we’re not who they tell us to be? It’s tough. Just because we break away, we don’t immediately begin loving ourselves. No. It doesn’t happen over night; nor can it happen without effort and bravery, which is within us all. So, once you’ve broken free and you have a burning desire to cultivate the best version of yourself, once you know you SHOULD be loving your self, and you’re worthy of your love, how do you freakin’ do it? Well, I’ve been working at building a healthy loving relationship with myself for almost 3 years now, and have some thoughts as to how to “start.” First and foremost, it takes time and lotsa effort towards change.

To begin our journey, We learn. We ponder. We take time to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. We find our limitations, and our boundaries and we respect ourselves enough to stick to them. We grow to love ourselves over time, never ending, for beauty and love have no bounds of time and space.

Often, I stop along the way to learn more about myself, to improve my mindset, and to rest my spirit. I’ve taken time in forge new hobbies. I dabbled ‘n discovered, played around and had fun with forming my own individual and authentic style. I even learned what my own convictions are.

I went back to doing activities I enjoyed when I was young; singing, dancing, socializing, and writing. I rediscovered my love for creating and acting and sharing art, and then I found adult ways to participate in these activities like singing karaoke and making tick-tock’s. I do these things just for me because I have figured out that I love doing them, and I’m worthy of doing the things I want to do. I’m worthy of the time and effort to do things just for Me.

Making new memories with special friends, breaking out of my creative shell, it all contributes to my growing confidence- which is an imperative ingredient to self love. Loving myself fully & authentically allows for others to love me fully & authentically; in turn, I reflect their love and even more is bestowed upon me. It’s a beautiful cycle.

We All gotta figure out what things make our hearts flutter, and what forces the giggles to bubble out – then we do those things ALL the time. We must give ourselves space and silence to ask ourselves the heavy questions, and quietly sit to allow the truth to make its way to the surface. Many of us have demons to forget and dragons to slay, and that’s OK! Loving ourselves is accepting ourselves judgment free. Guiltlessly. It’s recognizing where we are in life versus where we want to be; then putting effort towards getting there and becoming the version of yourself that you strive to be.

Loving yourself is setting goals, and may mean massive changes, perhaps even life morphing changes that shake you to your very foundation. And, true self love is loving yourself enough to stand strong and proud as you build again. You have to love yourself enough to fight against adversity, enough to live your life in brand new ways. For, even though growing pains suck, there can be no growth without change. Love yourself enough to work through the hurt, the challenges, and all the changes so you may blossom and grow…and so you can love yourself even more.

We learn to love ourselves by giving ourselves time. Time to be alone. Time for quiet, reflection, self-care, journaling, taking a long, luxurious bath. It’s time and space for you to get to know yourself. It’s carving out a few moments every day just for you and your thoughts…and your tears, if they come. It’s time for you to be free enough to dance naked in the mirror while you alone feel the universes vibrations.

Once we’ve taken time to learn self-love then becomes action. Once you know you love the opera, go to the opera. If you’ve always wanted to do community theater, go audition. Go volunteer. At the very least, go to your local community plays. Immerse yourself in the joy of being within the energy of something you love.

If you decide you like to socialize then go see your friends. This might mean sacrifice or change in routine, (someone’s gotta watch the kids), but you deserve to have fun too. Time for yourself, time to do the things you want to do to fall deeper in love with yourself, and it’s not selfish. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. In order to be the best for YOU you can be, you gotta be YOU in all things you do.

Again, this might mean change must happen, but loving ourselves isn’t detrimental to anyone in anyway. It is not selfish to love ourselves and do the things that bring us joy. Loving ourselves is knowing our worth, and that we deserve nothing less than being surrounded by loving supportive energy. If they love you, they will grow with you, or at the very least, give you a safe environment for which to grow in.

Loving ourselves is taking care of our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. It’s doing whatever it takes to strengthen our minds, perhaps with therapy. It’s connecting deeper on a spiritual level, maybe through meditation. It’s finding what works for you then making it happen. Do you like to work out at home? Or prefer the gym? The effort is the key part in all of this. If you know you prefer the gym, sign up and get your booty to the gym. If you’re an “at home” kinda gal, like me, carve out time every day and throw on some yoga or T20 Beachbody awesomeness and get that body movin’ with Shaun T.

Finally, self-love is authenticity. Wear what makes you feel good. What makes you feel like YOU. If you love going to church on Sunday but your spouse does not, self-love is going anyway. By yourself. With no ill will or negative feelings. Just the fact that it’s something you want to do, that is important to you, so you make the effort to go, and hopefully you’re surrounded by loving supportive people who want you to love yourself, and give you the time & space to go do something important to you.

It takes time to cultivate this knowledge of what you love and who you wish to be, years, to get to know yourself. Believe me. I learned only at 38 years old who I was. Who I wanted to be. It was then that I recognized that I was a person that others wanted me to be, and that was no longer OK with me. So, I made massive changes. I took the time to learn about myself. And now I love myself more than I ever have, and though I still have bad, self-loathing, sad days, at least now the love is there somewhere. At least now, I know what I love about myself, and that there is a spirit inside of me that I do love.

In that time of getting to know Me, I learned that I love to sing karaoke, and I dig teaching people about the benefits of marijuana. I learned that I don’t like cooking dinner, and actually no longer do so, my husband does it every night now (see? Changes!). I learned that even though I hate working out, I love the benefits, and I realized that it’s actually essential to my mental health and wellness. I learned that I love doing yoga, especially with my husband, and I love to practice the practice of meditation. I learned that I needed a village, a cheerleading squad, a Pride, so I built one. I learned that a big part of loving myself is socializing to help stay sane, so I made a social club.

The biggest thing I learned when learning to love myself was that I love writing. I love the beauty of words. I love being creative with my expression of thoughts, and creativity, and art. When sharing my poetry, it’s taken A LOT of self encouragement to put myself out there, a lot of bravery, but I learned that it’s OK to be vulnerable because I love myself, and I share my work just for me so there’s nothing to fear.

Self-love is selfies, boudoir photo shoot, girls nights, and knowing that you have a sweet ass AND rocking it in your best jeans, even if it’s only You you’ll be around that day. You’ve got to learn all there is to learn about yourself, and learn to love every bit of it, accept all of yourself. Forgive yourself. Let go of your ego. Let go of your past self. Give yourself grace and be kind and gentle with your spirit, Just, take time to learn what you love to do, and then do it. Make the effort towards change so you may grow. So you may be the bestest & happiest you. Do what you can fall in love with yourself. You are worth it, I promise.